D and C

So this morning I am going to the hospital for a small procedure called a D and C (Dilation and curettage). I had a miscarriage. I was 15 weeks along when I found out, but the baby had only made it to 9 weeks. Which means that for about 6 weeks I was sick fruitlessly. I feel like it seems a little heartless to say it that way, but that's probably been the hardest part. I have found that during my first trimester I sort of shut down. I turn my life down to just the bare essentials and just get by. So, in a way I lost a lot of time just "getting by". I'm sad about that, bummed that the baby didn't make it, and my friend told me that now is not the hardest time. The hardest time is when several of my best friends that got pregnant at the same time as me will be having their babies at the end of this year. Yeah, she's right, that will be a bummer. But, I read a great quote last night about acceptance from one of my favorite books called Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach

"Acceptance is surrendering to what is: our circumstances, our feelings, our problems, our financial status, our work, our health, our relationships with other people,the delay of our dreams. Before we can change anything in our life we have to recognize that this is the way it's meant to be right now. .......... I have also learned that when I surrender to the reality of a particular situation- when I don't continue to resist, but accept - a softening in my soul occurs. Suddenly I am able to open up to receive all the goodness and abundance available to me because acceptance brings with it so much relief and release. What happens when we accept our circumstances? Well, first of all, we relax. Next we change our vibration, our energy pattern, and the rate of our heartbeat. Once again we're able to tap into the boundless positive energy of the Universe. ...... Today, let go of the struggle. Allow the healing process of change to begin. You're ready to move on."

(I skipped a lot of great things she wrote, and I highly recommend the book.)
Since I found out that the baby didn't make it, I have been a little concerned with myself because I have not been as sad as I would have expected. I wondered if I didn't connect or if I didn't really want this pregnancy, and that's not true. I was really excited. But when I read this quote I realized that I have already been in the mode of acceptance. I have learned that with these two boys I have, I have to accept that the days aren't going to be the way I imagine them, they are going to be the way the boys dictate, and I can fight it and be upset, or accept that this is the way of motherhood. It seems like such a tightrope between accepting and not losing our dreams and will, which are both essential for happiness in my opinion.
I know each miscarriage evokes new and different emotions. If this were my first pregnancy or my 2nd miscarriage (or 3rd or 4th) I know I would take it a lot harder. For the past 3 months I have been adjusting to the idea that I will have 3 children all younger than 4 years old. It was a big pill to swallow and I was ready, but I was letting myself sink so deep into acceptance that I was taking way fewer moments to come up for air where I remember my own will and dreams and my own soul. Motherhood is a lot of surrendering to every whim and want of your children, which is how it is supposed to be, but I think a little more time before child #3 will let me hold on to a little more of that fresh air of my authenticity a little stronger through this journey of motherhood. I've come to see my situation as a blessing. The Lord always knows what we need. I'm glad I know that for knowing that is the only way I can grasp hope in this life. And the future is bright.

And I have had such wonderful friends emailing and supporting me in all kinds of ways through this setback. Erin is watching my kids today for the procedure and Thursday, most of the day and I emailed her this yesterday:

"Erin, So what's the protocol on Thursday? If you babysit for me and I'm feeling ok, would it be totally wrong of me to go tanning or work out or go shopping? I would feel so guilty, but then again, the day is for me to recover right? Is tanning part of pregnancy fat recovery??? :)"
And here is her reply:

"Melody, Oh, didn't you know??! It is a known fact that tanning is a necessary part of the D&C recovery process, and same with working out, napping, going to the mall, reading, and painting your toenails. Of course, all the positive benefits of those activities are highly diminished when you have children with you (in other words, they are not beneficial at all). Seriously, that's all straight from the professionals. "

I included this because I never want to forget how wonderful my friends have been. Thank you all! XXOO

And just so I don't leave you with no images, here are some paintings I loved from my trip to the Coda Gallery in Park City. (a must see destination when visiting PC).

Tracey Lane
Tree Stories

Karen Tusinski
Poppy Bouquet in View