My friend Emily just posted that she has decided to make a blog specifically for her son and my friend Merillee has a great blog written through the eyes of her 2 year old. It's so cute. I've been thinking of doing it too. I've noticed that all of my posts of late have been all about my boys and I don't think I've written anything about me in a while, or about my husband either come to think of it... so you can expect a bit of a change in my next few entries. So.. it would be nice, but it's too much work so I've decided to use my labels a lot better and I'll keep doing my monthly updates about my boys and just make them separate posts. That way if the nitty gritty details about each tiny development can be easily skipped if it's just a little too much (as I imagine it can be for anyone other than the mother (me).)
I'm way into list making and crossing off lists.
I have this yearly goal setting extravaganza down to a science. But this year it's already the 15th and guess what??
No List!!
Am I starting to chill out in my old age? (almost 31!!!)
No, it's probably not that? (unfortunately) (sorry Paul)
Do I feel like I have already perfected myself and there is nothing left to do??
... no, I can't even take that joke any further. :)
Am I lazy?
No.. not really.
I guess I have been waiting for the right inspiration. I've come to realize that goals are all about lifestyle changes and well, I can only really think of one that I am prepared to tackle right now. Getting to the change means a lot of talk in between. Here goes:
I had my life mapped out in perfect detail up until the point when I got married. I had career goals, monetary goals, lifestyle goals, and always hit my goals. Then I got married and Paul decided to do med school and then everything about where we live, how much money we have or don't have became all wrapped up in this one big goal that I have very little control over. Up until now Paul knew that he wanted to be a doctor, but had no idea what kind. This wide open ended future has been really hard for me to get a grasp on. Paul has to turn in his schedule for his elective rotations for the next year this week so the past week or two has been pretty stressful trying to decide so many big things. Paul was talking to a lady at his work about these decisions and she said, "you just need to have more faith in God!" Her statement really struck me. The reminder coming from someone outside my faith seemed like even more of a reprimand. I realized that I have been living in a state of stress and fear rather than a state of hope, faith and optimism. Being optimistic is a choice and I have not been making the right choice about it all the time.
I remember distinctly the day when I realized that someday I would have a husband, we would be partners and I wouldn't always have to do it alone. This week I was reminded that Paul and I don't have to do this alone. Luckily we are in it together with a merciful, loving God that loves us in a way that we don't deserve, that we haven't earned and he wants to give us what we need even when we don't have a clue what it is. I have not been exercising my faith. My burdens have been heavy because I have not believed that God is watching our little plight.
My poor husband has had to live with me for so long being super stingy and thrifty as if we are always going to be dirt poor. I am so conservative by nature and being married to someone much more liberal is often challenging, but I've realized that part of my stingy side comes from a lack of faith. Doesn't He say that He "giveth liberally and upbraideth not"? Doesn't He say that the lilies of the fields are arrayed in majesty, why are we worried about ourselves?
I took some time and listed in my journal many of my fears or concerns that sort of shape my thinking and it helped me realize how negative I have been in my thinking rather than seeing the bright side of things. It's so ingrained that I think it's going to be a chore to reprogram and truly change my thinking. . . so that's my goal for the year.
True/ core deep optimism fueled by honest faith.
I can use all the suggestions you all have.
I'd like to end with a quote I am stealing from my dear friend Michelle's blog:
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"
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8 comments:
Wow. I always thought of you as the epitome of cheerful optimism! I cried as I was reading this because I have so many similar feelings as a Mom--so little time for myself and it's so easy to get wrapped up in the trials of day-to-day life. I'm also trying to be more faithful, even when it hurts to just step into the darkness. That's what it's all about: walk to the edge of the light and then take one more step, into the darkness, knowing that God will catch you if you fall.
Thanks for posting this. I always think of you as inspiring to me!
How coincidental I was thinking about the same things today, here is what I was thinking. Sadness is ours with out any effort, it is around us, all around. It isn't very hard to be sad, it is actually quit easy.
Happiness is like all other things that are good in life, I think it takes more effort on our part. Every good thing in my life has taken more effort. Take kids for example, they make me so happy (that is an understatement) but man they are work. I think happiness is like that. I think it is harder to count blessing than it is think about things we do not have. It is easier to worry than it is to be positive and optimistic. It is worth it though, but I honestly feel like it is a choice we make each day.
Now I say this as I am one who struggles to optimistic all the time. I worry about things a lot, but I really need to let things go a little, and enjoy what I have.
You are very inspirational, and I loved this post.
1. I LOVE reading all the nitty gritty details about your boys.
2. I too have not made goals this year. Even before the bad news, everything has just been so NEW with a baby that it seemed foolish to PLAN much. :)
3. I feel sad at my own lack of spiritual depth these days, and know it could be better (SO tired!), and so it moves me to read of your epiphany. Not only 'cause it benefits my thinking too, but because I love to see that my dearest friends get deeper and "richer" as they grow older.
4. You are marvelous.
Isn't that the best quote for a fresh start! I have NEVER thought you to be pessimistic in fact I always thought the opposite! It is so difficult when you rely on yourself for some time before marrying. I used to be scary and down right stoogish about money but in the last year I stop keeping track of the debt and our spending habits really didn't change much, but I feel a lot less stress. You are such a faithful person by nature- that is always how I've perceived you- totally inspiring.
Love it... wow. What a breath of fresh air. I, too, have waited to do my resolutions, though not for the same reasons. Thanks for the reminder to sometimes just let go!
What good thoughts!
I liked reading this and also thinking about how great it is that I can relate to a friend that is so far away but experiencing similar stuff. Jason has about 2 years left of his phd and then we really don't know what will happen next. We have ideas and lots of possibilities we like to think about. I get excited and then scared and go back and forth thinking of all of the new experiences ahead and also that I'll be sad to pick up and move when the time comes. . . I want to be more faithful and hopeful in my life because when it comes down to it I really love life and people and living day to day. I want to always be a part of good things that bring hope to me.
I've always appreciated your positive approach to life and your way of creating beautiful things around you. It's really positive for those of us who know you!
Try not to be too freaked out that I am commenting on your blog. :) I am Kristen's cousin Emily, so I guess I kind of feel like I know you because I love Kristen and I know how much she loves you! Anyway, I have been thinking these things, too. I really appreciated this post. It is so hard to go from having complete control over your own life and feeling good about what you are accomplishing-- getting positive reinforcement from outside world, to getting married and handing your future over to someone else, to having kids and not having time to do the things that make you feel like yourself but having these little human beings who rely on you for everything. It is really stressful and scary. But the choice to be optimistic is huge. I have been praying to be cheerful-- if only for the sake of my dear family. It is nice to realize that I am not alone in feeling this way sometimes. Thanks for sharing.
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